I Hear You

I Hear You

From my journal on December 13, 2017:

“I did not get the news I wanted yesterday --- one of the lymph nodes had cancer. I guess You’re not through using this cancer to teach me wonderful things about You. You did try to prepare me by giving me the verse 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” You practically shouted to me, “I care about you!” Thank You, Father, that You care about me and because of that I don’t have to be anxious.”

“What am I anxious about? (So I just laughed out loud as I started to type the next sentence.) I’m anxious about being able to hear Your voice and knowing how to proceed.  So many decisions that still need to be made.”

I am such an “Israelite!” You know how we talk about the Israelites seeing so many miracles of God and then when they get to the next problem, they forget all about how God had opened up the Red Sea for them to cross on dry land, made bitter water sweet, sent manna down from heaven, etc, etc.  Here I am doing the same thing.  In one paragraph, I talk about how God practically shouted to me and in the next I’m wondering if I will be able to hear His voice and if He will lead me to make the right decisions. Humans!!!

I texted a friend, “I don’t know why new decisions cause doubt. (I had struggled to find the right word.  Was it fear?  Worry? No, it was doubt.) His Word says: He is faithful.  His Word says: He is trustworthy. I think maybe I’m worried (that I doubt) about me being able to hear Him, instead of being certain of His ability to guide and direct me.”

There was the problem!  I was trusting in my ability to hear.  I was not trusting in His ability to speak in such a way that I could hear.  For the first time in my life, I recognized this as a problem!  Of course, I should doubt if I am trusting in my own ability!  

What does Scripture say? ASK (the title of one of my devotions today!) 

James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously without reproach, and it WILL be given him.” It’s a promise! God says ask and He WILL give wisdom…it is HIS responsibility to do it in such a way that I can comprehend it. I’m just a dumb little lamb and He knows that.  

But James 1:6 “But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt…” Now that I realize it’s all about God’s ability to give wisdom to me and not my ability to receive it, it makes not doubting a whole lot easier!

And James 1:5 says not only will He give wisdom, but that He will give it GENEROUSLY!  Isn’t that what I have experienced so far? As I read back through the posts I've already written, I see over and over and over again where He HAS spoken to me.  He HAS been faithful to lead and guide me through His Word, through others and even through changing my desires.

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He WILL direct your path.”  It’s a promise!  If I ask for His help in making the decisions that need to be made, He WILL help!

Luke 11:9 “So I say to you, Ask and it WILL be given to you; Seek and you WILL find; Knock and the door WILL be opened to you.” And if that’s not clear enough, verse 10 says, “For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds and to him who knocks the door will be opened.”  God promises if I’m asking for wisdom, He WILL give it.  If I’m seeking Him, He WILL be found. If I’m seeking His wisdom, He WILL give it to me. If I’m knocking on His door, He WILL invite me in. 

Father, forgive me for my lack of faith in Your ability to lead, guide, direct, carry, or to make Your voice and Your will known to me.  I believe You can and You WILL! Help my unbelief.

My Scripture reading was Mark 9:14-50 The disciples could not cast out a demon from a boy, so they bring the boy to Jesus. Jesus replies in verse 19, “O unbelieving generation, how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you?   

And I feel like He’s talking to me! “O, unbelieving daughter, Don’t you trust me?  How long will I have to put up with you not trusting Me?  After ALL you’ve seen Me do!”

The son’s father says, “But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us.” Jesus responds, “IF You can?!?!?” Everything is possible for him who believes.”

I ask Jesus, “If You can, would You please help me to hear Your voice and know Your will? And I hear Jesus say, “IF I can make You hear My voice?!?!?  Don’t you see that you already hear my voice! You just said ‘and I HEAR Jesus say!’”

I open my First 5 app and it says: "We have a Savior who knows us and loves us.  He can handle our DOUBTS!"

The very thing I’m struggling with today, He addresses in my Bible study! He answers my doubt! My hearing is NOT dependent on me!  It is completely dependent on YOU! On Your power, Your mercy, Your grace, Your love!

Today I read page 48 of Jesus Calling: 50 Devotion’s for Comfort.  It says, “I AM taking CARE of you! (emphasis mine) I am not only committed to CARING for you, but I am absolutely capable of doing so.  Rest in Me, My weary one for this is a form of worship.  Worship Me by resting peacefully in My presence.”

Yes, Father, I hear You!  You care for me.  You WILL lead and direct me.  You WILL make sure I hear You.

On January, 2, I will have some tests performed including genetic testing.  I will see the doctor on January, 9 and we will decide what to do next.  Please continue to pray for wisdom for the doctor, Pat and me.  I KNOW that if I am asking for wisdom and you are asking for it on my behalf, that He WILL give us the wisdom we need to make the decisions.  We are looking at possibly removing the remainder of the lymph nodes under my left arm OR radiation and chemo OR possibly all 3. Pray that faith (not fear or doubt) would rule in my life. Pray that God will use this to advance His Kingdom and to show His power and His glory.

Perfectly Clear

Perfectly Clear

From my journal on December 12, 2017:

“Today I get results from the pathology lab of the tissues removed in surgery.  On September 12, exactly 3 months ago, we began this whirlwind story.  You have been with me, given unexplainable peace and performed little miracles (little miracles…is that an oxymoron?) all along the way. Whatever I hear today, Your presence, power and peace will be sufficient to handle.  Give me faith over fear.”

“Thank You for how You have aligned circumstances and devotions to speak to me through this time.  I know I can count on You to keep delivering.  Keep me tethered close to You.  A clean bill of health is not my shelter. You and You alone are my shelter and safe place.”

A friend’s son was having an appointment with a brain tumor clinic that day and she was asking for prayer.   I texted, “I will be praying for you as you receive the results of the testing.  God is good and will use whatever He allows into your life for good.  So, no matter what you hear today…good will be the end result. ‘Cast all your cares on Him, because He cares for you.’  His grace is sufficient.”

I picked up a book given to me by a friend.  Inside was an index card of verses she had prayed over me.  The second verse she had written was 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all you anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”  The chapter I read that morning was entitled “Present” with the verse Isaiah 41:10, “Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  The first verse my friend had written on that index card.

Then in a devotional given to me by another friend, the devotion for December 12, 2017 said, “I am taking care of you.  Feel…the security of being enveloped in My loving presence.” I had just prayed that His presence would be sufficient for me and that He and He alone was my safe place, the chapter in the book I had just read was entitled. ‘Present’ and now I am being reminded again! “Every detail of your life is under My control.  Moreover, everything fits into a pattern of good for those who love Me and are called according to My design and purpose.” This is one of my favorite verses and one I use frequently to bring comfort to myself and others although I always like to add part of the next verse.  The next verse spells out what that purpose is...to be conformed to the image of Jesus.  “If you could only see how close I am to you and how constantly I work on your behalf, you would never doubt that I am wonderfully caring for you.” And one of the verses listed at the bottom of that devotion was 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”

Ok, Father, You have my attention.  This is the 3^rd time this verse has been brought to my attention today.  The first time You gave it to me for the text to my friend.  Now I see it 2 more times.  What does this mean?

And then I continued with my Scripture reading in Mark 9:1-13. I usually read Scripture first and then read the other devotionals.  Not sure why I changed up the order on that day.  This is the story of the transfiguration of Jesus. After this amazing thing happened, Jesus instructs the disciples He brought with Him not to tell anyone what they had seen until after He had risen from the dead.  The disciples didn’t understand what Jesus meant by “rising from the dead.”  I wrote, “They don’t understand why Jesus MUST suffer much and be rejected.  They can’t see God’s amazing plan of redemption and power and glory!”

It is the same with me…I don’t understand “why?” But I don’t have to.  I just have to believe that God has an amazing plan of redemption, power and glory for suffering.  He will reveal it all at the proper time.

I open my First 5 app.  It says, “Father, I believe You have an amazing plan for my life --- suffering included.”  “Like Peter, we aspire to pitch our tent where life is glorious.  We try to sidestep the suffering and quickly settle in the places where life is pain-free and perfect.  We want to cling to what is good, but we would ultimately miss God’s best.  We…long for perfection and completion.  We want the perfect moments of the mountaintop experiences, but we don’t want to persevere through the pain.  We can’t get to the glory without enduring the cross.” 

Then the prayer, that I agreed with, “I bow my knee to Jesus today, trusting Him with both the moments of perfection and the times of pain.  Help me to live to the glory of His Name!”

In the More Moments section, 1 Peter 5:6 was listed.  “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. And since you have to read the next verse… “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”  4^th time today!  Ok, Father, You CARE for me!

And though God had made it perfectly clear that He cares for me and that He is with me, I still wasn’t prepared for what I would hear from the doctor that day.

Clear margins and lymph nodes on the right.  Clear margins on the left but one of the three lymph nodes removed from the left side had cancer.

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed

Written December 7, 2017

People were overwhelmed with amazement.  “He has done everything well,” they said.  Mark 7:37

This was a verse in my Scripture reading this morning and it sums up exactly how I am feeling.  I am overwhelmed with amazement…because He has done everything well! God has made Himself evident all along this journey and keeps on showing up.

Last Sunday, the day before surgery, a very sweet friend had set up a time for prayer for me. 16 ladies showed up and laid their hands on me and agreed in prayer for me.  Of course, I was moved to tears. I can not tell you how peaceful and confident in God that made me feel.  I can not begin to express the amount of love I felt from these dear friends.  I was overwhelmed with the care and concern these ladies had for me. I was overwhelmed with the faith they have in prayer.

Of course, surgery the next morning was frequently crossing my mind that Sunday. In the worship service, we sang a medley (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UGy4hzVa-Y) including lyrics from Today Is the Day and I Know Who Holds Tomorrow. Some of the words to the songs are: “And I won't worry about tomorrow, I'm giving You my fears and sorrows, Where You lead me I will follow, I'm trusting in what You say” and “Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand But I know who holds tomorrow, And I know who holds my hand” I was thinking, “Yep, there are many things about tomorrow that I don’t understand and that gives me plenty to worry about.  But I’m not going to worry.  I’ll give my fear to God. He will be with me tomorrow and He will be holding my hand.” God used this song to tell me that He was in control of what was happening tomorrow.  It may be unknown to me, but He would be there and He would take care of it. I was overwhelmed by God’s words of comfort to me.

In Sunday School and the sermon, God impressed on me the complete lack of control that Jesus had as a baby.  He was completely willing to come to earth as a completely helpless baby.  Just the thought of being unconscious and completely at the mercy of others in surgery had an unnerving effect on me.  I tend to want to be in control or at least think I am in control.  Over the years God has been teaching  me that all control I think I have is actually only the perception of control. Control is an illusion. I realized that the trust I needed for God to care for me in surgery wasn’t much different than Jesus trusting God to care for Him as a helpless babe completely at the mercy of others.  Except that we are never completely at the mercy of anyone…except for being at the complete mercy of God, who is good and only has good planned for us.  God is always completely in complete control of all.  And through these thoughts given to me by God, I was overwhelmed with peace.

My biggest concern for Monday morning was that fear would overtake me.  I shared that with my Sunday School class and asked them to pray that I would not fear.  Others knew of this concern and were also praying that I would not fear.  As I was getting ready to leave for the hospital and listening to my Spotify playlist the first song to play was “Old Church Choir” by Zach Williams, the song I had adopted as my song for this season.  Then Kari Jobe’s “I Am Not Alone” came on.  God was whispering that He was with me through the words of these songs. The title of my First 5 (https://first5.org) devotion that morning was “No Fear, Just Faith.”  God was saying, you don’t need to fear, just trust Me. And as I waited to be brought to the operating room, I was overwhelmed with a peace that passed my understanding.

Another concern I had for Monday morning, was that they would make me take my contacts out way before it was time for me to go to the operating room.  My eyesight is very poor and when I can’t see, it feels like I have trouble hearing and comprehending.  For some reason, being unable to see disorients me terribly.  My pastor’s wife understood that struggle.  She texted me 2 Corinthians 4:18 the night before surgery.  “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”  I was armed with a strategy to fight the fear that came with being unable to see well…I would fix my eyes on Jesus.  Just having that strategy gave me a certain peace.  But that should be our strategy for everything, shouldn’t it? If we would just keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, the things of earth would grow strangely dim.  But they allowed me to keep my contacts in until the moment before they rolled me into the operating room.  I was overwhelmed with God’s grace in such a small detail that might have caused me distress.

I awoke in the recovery room to my doctor saying the lymph nodes were clear.  I did learn later that was from the preliminary testing.  More detailed testing will be done to determine if that is the case.  I dozed back off and the next thing I knew I was being wheeled to my room.  Very soon, my room was filled with my husband, all 4 children and my parents.  I learned that the surgery waiting room was full of family and friends from church. I also had some other special visitors that came and visited me in the room after surgery. The first thing I did when I got back to the room was put my contacts back in so I could see and hear and comprehend all that was going on.  The nurse brought me cranberry juice and sprite and water to drink.  The boys enjoyed joking with her and giving her a hard time.  We laughed a lot. My throat hurt so much from being intubated during surgery.  So the kids went to get me an ice cream from Braum’s.  That ice cream tasted SOOOOO good!  (I hadn't been eating sweets for a couple of months.) And it soothed my hurting throat.  And I was overwhelmed with the presence and goodness of family and friends...and ice cream!

Friends from our community and church family have brought meals to us each night since I have been home from the hospital.  We are feasting!  One of my sons said, “Let’s see, we have 6 people in our family…soon it will be 7.  So if everybody has surgery every 2 months…we can eat like this all year!”  I also received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from 2 of my children’s friends.  I was surprised at their thoughtfulness and generosity.  Since the time I was diagnosed, I have received cards of encouragement in the mail, texts letting me know that people were thinking of me and praying for me, gifts of various kinds and lots and lots of prayer from family, friends and even strangers. And I am overwhelmed by an outpouring of love, generosity and abundance!  And it’s not over yet!!! There is more to come!!!! .  I am completely overwhelmed by the power of prayer and by the number of prayers that have been prayed on my behalf. Thank you. THANK you.  Thank YOU!

Recovery has been relatively easy, so far.  I attribute it to the prayers that all of you and so many others are praying for me.  I have only taken 2 ½ pain pills.  I feel better up and moving around.  Sitting too much and laying down so much had my back and neck hurting.  They are not hurting today.  Every day I feel a little better and have a little more range of motion in my arms. I have a good “nurse” helping me take care of the incisions. God made our bodies in a fearful and wonderful way.  Healing is taking place.  Praise God!  I am overwhelmed by the way God created us with the ability to heal.  

All this to say, I have been overwhelmed with amazement.  “He has done everything well,” I say. God has and continues to be with me every step of the way and I am so grateful.   I am finding Jeremiah 29:13, “You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart,” to be true.  As I seek Him, He is letting me find Him. So I encourage all of you to seek Him with all of your heart. He desires to be found.

I have a follow up visit with the doctor next Tuesday.  She should have the full pathology report on the tissues removed.  Please pray for continued healing and for wisdom and discernment for the doctor, Pat and me as we decide what the next steps will be for eradicating this cancer.

THANK YOU ALL for being the hands and feet and arms and mouthpieces of Jesus in my life and my family’s life during this trial. I am completely overwhelmed by the tender lovingkindness God has shown me through ALL OF YOU! I can never repay you.  But I am asking God to bless you and keep you. I am asking Him to let His favor rest on you.  I am asking Him to heal you and strengthen you.  I am asking Him to give you peace and joy.  

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen (Ephesians 3:20-21)