Joy. That is
the word God gave me for this year. I was really excited to have that
word. I thought it meant that I would
like the circumstances (i.e., no chemo, no radiation) and joy would be the
result. I didn’t want the “consider it
all joy when you face various trials” (James 1:2) kind of joy or “for the joy
that was set before Him, He endured the cross,” kind of joy. (Hebrews 12:2) I
wanted and was expecting the easy kind of joy. But it looks like the kind of joy
I’m getting is the kind for which I have to fight.
The last few
weeks have been rough. After my 4th chemo, (the last of the
Adriamycin/Cytoxin combo! Woohoo!) I
ended up with blood clots in my neck and arm on the side of the port and a
hemoglobin low enough they wanted to give me a blood transfusion. I wasn’t
ready for a transfusion, so I chose to wait from Wednesday (when I got results
of the previous day’s blood work) to Tuesday to have the blood work done
again. The chemo kills any cells that
divide quickly. That’s why my white
blood cells and red blood cells are decreased. Hemoglobin is the measure of the
amount of oxygen that your red blood cells can carry. As hemoglobin decreases, the amount of oxygen
your blood is able to carry to your organs and muscles decreases. This causes your heart rate to increase to
try to get more oxygen to your tissues.
Last
Tuesday, chemo was canceled. Instead, we needed to find out if I needed a blood
transfusion and to find out if my port was still accessible and functional. Hemoglobin increased from 7.7 to 8.7! Praise the Lord! Transfusions are usually
given when the hemoglobin is less than 8.
I went for a CT scan with contrast to make sure the port was still able
to be used for chemo treatments. And
praise God, it was.
Instead of
the 4th chemo stealing the usual 3 days from me, this time it took more
than 2 weeks. So, in a text to a friend,
I wrote, “I am so ready to be done with this!”
She is also experiencing some prolonged health problems and I texted,
“And I know you are ready to be done, too!”
It would have been so easy for her to agree with me and begin to talk
about the negative things she and I were experiencing. Instead, she chose to encourage me and to cause
me to think with a new perspective.
Another friend
posted this verse on Facebook. “In this
world you will have trouble.” John 16:33 It seems like I have come across this
verse quite a bit in the past several months.
And every time I hear or see it, I think, “That ain’t no lie!” As I’ve told you before, I know many, many
people who are having trouble (And trouble is an understatement!) in their
lives. I don’t think I’d want to trade places with any of them. More and more,
this world just seems so filled with trouble.
It would be so easy to get discouraged and depressed. But we can’t forget the rest of the verse.
“But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
These are the words of Jesus. And they ain’t no lie, either!
Also, I came
across this phrase twice this week from 2 different sources. “God wastes nothing.” He does not allow things in my life that
can’t be used for good. If there is pain or difficulty in my life, it does have
a purpose.
As, I
contemplated these things and other things that I know to be true about God, I
was reminded that the process is part of the plan. The process of waiting and enduring and
trusting Him through every circumstance that I don’t want or understand, is
producing something. In me. In others.
It feels
like my life has been put on hold. Like
time is being wasted with me doing nothing but laying around trying to survive.
Like I am missing out on so many things.
Like my body is falling apart. But His ways are not my ways and His
thoughts are not my thoughts.
I must
remember that God has set times for everything.
Whether it’s the 9 months it takes for a baby to develop in it’s
mother’s womb. Or the time it takes for
a seed to sprout, grow and produce fruit.
Or the time it takes for bread to bake.
If we get impatient in the middle of the process and induce the baby’s
birth or pull up the seed to see if it’s sprouting or take the bread out of the
oven before it is done, then we end up with a mess. Instead of the joy of a healthy baby, we end
up with a baby with a multitude of medical problems. Instead of the joy of a
fresh tomato, we get a dirty, possibly sprouted seed. Instead of the joy of fresh baked bread
slathered with butter, we get gooey dough that doesn’t taste good at all. The process of time in each instance is for
the purpose of full development and the joy that comes along with it.
Will I be
happy when I am through with chemo and every other treatment that this cancer
requires? You better believe it! And I will celebrate! But until that time, I will preach to myself,
that God is doing something to develop me and others in the process of all that
comes with cancer treatment. Do I really
want to interrupt whatever it is God is doing in my life and in the lives of
others affected by this? At times the
answer would be “yes,” but when I am able to think clearly, the answer would
always be an emphatic, “NO!” If I’ve got
to go through this and if my family and friends have to go through this, then I
want us to receive the fullness of joy that being fully developed through this
will bring. For the joy that is coming (Hebrews 12:2),
I will endure these cancer treatments and the side effects it brings. I will ask God to help me consider it all joy
because His Word promises that the testing of my faith produces
perseverance. And that perseverance must
finish it’s work so that I can be mature and complete lacking nothing.
(James1:2-4) And that’s not something I want to interrupt!
Notes I had
written in my Bible by James 1:2-4
“Count it
all joy”
“If you can’t
make it go away, will you decide to make it count?”
“Will you
allow your pain to be transformative?”
I’m not sure
who these came from. I wish I had
written it down so I could give credit to whom it is due.
