Wait! What?!?!?

It’s been a while since I’ve written because life has been really busy.

This happened.           

                                                                    

And then THIS happened!

So even though there are some bad things happening in my life, there are also some really good things, too! 

I’m trying to even remember where I left off.  I know I wrote about surgery and the outpouring of love from family and friends in my church and community.  So I guess the next thing would be the 1 month follow-up visit after surgery.

I saw my doctor early this month.  Incisions have healed well.  My range of motion in both shoulders is normal.  She had a MammaPrint ordered on the left tumor and lymph nodes and an Oncotype Dx ordered on the right tumor.  The results from those tests were very encouraging.  

MammaPrint results for left side which was more advanced (invasive ductal carcinoma with 1 out of 3 sentinel lymph nodes positive): Low risk luminal-type A; 95.3% of patients who were treated with hormonal therapy alone (Tamoxifen/Aromatase Inhibitor) are living without distant recurrence of breast cancer at 5 years. No significant chemotherapy benefit.  Chemotherapy added to the tamoxifen decreases risk for recurrence from 95.3% to 96.6% which my doctor said was not enough to merit the risks involved with chemotherapy treatment.  

Oncotype DX results for right side (ductal carcinoma in situ with 0 out of 4 sentinel lymph nodes positive): Breast DCIS score of 24 which means based on my age and tumor size, my risk of any local recurrence within 10 years is 9% if treated with breast conserving surgery alone.

Woohoo! Praise God! I don’t need chemo!!! And she said that Tamoxifen alone may be the only further treatment required. But she wanted me to see a radiation doctor and a chemo doctor to get their recommendations.

So, this past Thursday I went to the radiation doctor.  He said because the tumor was in the dermis, I need radiation.  Also, because there was a positive lymph node, I need radiation.  He said they would give me a full course of radiation to the left breast, armpit area.  If cancer were to return, no further radiation could be given.  They would have to use other means to get rid of it.  He said without radiation, local recurrence would be 30% to 40% and with radiation it would be reduced to 10% to 15%.  Then the kicker… the doctor said he needed to talk to the chemo doctor “to see if further lymph node removal would need to be done to determine if I need chemo.”  Wait.  What??? I thought the MammaPrint and Oncotype DX said I DON”T need chemo.  Now maybe I do?!?!

I don’t know if I’ve ever been more confused in my life.  Cancer is not an area I am educated in.  Although I have a medical background, I don’t understand most of what I am being told.  This is so foreign to me.  It’s hard to make decisions about something you don’t understand. I sent a text to my family and friends telling them of the need for radiation and that it looks like chemo is back on the table.  I feel discouraged because I really thought I was near the end of the acute part of this cancer thing.  I had thought that all I had left to do was to decide whether or not to have reconstruction.  Now they are saying possibly more surgery to remove more lymph nodes AND radiation. (My doctor had said remove lymph nodes OR do radiation), 6 weeks of allowing the surgery incision to heal.  Then 6 weeks of radiation 5 days a week.  And possibly chemo.  And then reconstruction if we decide to do that.

I end my text, “But God knows the plans He has for me. I am trusting Him and putting all my hope in Him.”

I am encouraged by Ann Voskamp’s reminder on Facebook.  “Whatever goes bad today, God will work it out for good.  It’s what God does.  Right now through your most unlikely desert places, God is making unbelievable roads…you better believe it! Yeah, you can go face the day with brave JOY--- God’s. got. your. back.” http://annvoskamp.com/

I am reminded of 2 of my favorite verses.  Romans 8:28, 29 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose…to be conformed to the likeness of His Son.” God is using whatever He allows me to face for the good purpose of making me more like Jesus.  And this verse that gave me hope in an earlier time of hardship in my life.  Isaiah 43:19 “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:20 b and 21 say, “…because I provide water in the desert and streams in the wasteland to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim My praise.”

This “new” thing God is doing does not feel good.  It does not look good from my perspective.  But God can use it FOR good.  That is what I am holding on to. Sometimes before the new thing can be done, some demolition must occur first.  Maybe I’m in the demo stage.  Maybe God is doing a transforming work in my life and I’m not in the building or decorating part yet.  Maybe I’m still being torn down, torn apart. But when He’s through with me, I will proclaim His praise! So, I’m praying that I will continue to trust His hand in all of this.

This was in my Jesus Calling devotion for the day I saw the radiation doctor. “Learn to trust Me when things go “wrong.” Trusting acceptance of trials brings blessings that far outweigh them all.  Walk hand in hand with Me through this day.  I have planned every inch of the way.”  “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”  2 Corinthians 4:17

And today in that same devotional.  “As you make plans for the day, remember that it is I who orchestrate the events of your life. On days when things go smoothly, according to your plans, you may be unaware of My sovereign presence.  On days (weeks, months, years) when your plans are thwarted, be on the lookout for Me! I may be doing something important in your life, something quite different than you expected. It is essential at such times to stay in communication with Me, accepting My way as better than yours. Don’t try to figure out what’s happening.  Simply trust Me and thank Me in advance for the good that will come out of it all.  I know the plans I have for you, and they are good.”

Prayer requests:  That God will give the doctors wisdom for my plan of treatment.  That IF God wants me to do something different from what the doctors recommend, that He would make that VERY CLEAR to me or Pat. That I would accept whatever it is God has planned for me and that I would remain joyful through it. That if God has any divine appointments for me as I am seeing doctors and receiving treatments, that I would not miss those opportunities to encourage others or speak of the goodness and faithfulness of God through Christ Jesus.

I see the chemo doctor this Monday, the 22^nd. My next scheduled appointment for the main doctor is the 30^th.

I Hear You

I Hear You

From my journal on December 13, 2017:

“I did not get the news I wanted yesterday --- one of the lymph nodes had cancer. I guess You’re not through using this cancer to teach me wonderful things about You. You did try to prepare me by giving me the verse 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” You practically shouted to me, “I care about you!” Thank You, Father, that You care about me and because of that I don’t have to be anxious.”

“What am I anxious about? (So I just laughed out loud as I started to type the next sentence.) I’m anxious about being able to hear Your voice and knowing how to proceed.  So many decisions that still need to be made.”

I am such an “Israelite!” You know how we talk about the Israelites seeing so many miracles of God and then when they get to the next problem, they forget all about how God had opened up the Red Sea for them to cross on dry land, made bitter water sweet, sent manna down from heaven, etc, etc.  Here I am doing the same thing.  In one paragraph, I talk about how God practically shouted to me and in the next I’m wondering if I will be able to hear His voice and if He will lead me to make the right decisions. Humans!!!

I texted a friend, “I don’t know why new decisions cause doubt. (I had struggled to find the right word.  Was it fear?  Worry? No, it was doubt.) His Word says: He is faithful.  His Word says: He is trustworthy. I think maybe I’m worried (that I doubt) about me being able to hear Him, instead of being certain of His ability to guide and direct me.”

There was the problem!  I was trusting in my ability to hear.  I was not trusting in His ability to speak in such a way that I could hear.  For the first time in my life, I recognized this as a problem!  Of course, I should doubt if I am trusting in my own ability!  

What does Scripture say? ASK (the title of one of my devotions today!) 

James 1:5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously without reproach, and it WILL be given him.” It’s a promise! God says ask and He WILL give wisdom…it is HIS responsibility to do it in such a way that I can comprehend it. I’m just a dumb little lamb and He knows that.  

But James 1:6 “But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt…” Now that I realize it’s all about God’s ability to give wisdom to me and not my ability to receive it, it makes not doubting a whole lot easier!

And James 1:5 says not only will He give wisdom, but that He will give it GENEROUSLY!  Isn’t that what I have experienced so far? As I read back through the posts I've already written, I see over and over and over again where He HAS spoken to me.  He HAS been faithful to lead and guide me through His Word, through others and even through changing my desires.

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He WILL direct your path.”  It’s a promise!  If I ask for His help in making the decisions that need to be made, He WILL help!

Luke 11:9 “So I say to you, Ask and it WILL be given to you; Seek and you WILL find; Knock and the door WILL be opened to you.” And if that’s not clear enough, verse 10 says, “For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds and to him who knocks the door will be opened.”  God promises if I’m asking for wisdom, He WILL give it.  If I’m seeking Him, He WILL be found. If I’m seeking His wisdom, He WILL give it to me. If I’m knocking on His door, He WILL invite me in. 

Father, forgive me for my lack of faith in Your ability to lead, guide, direct, carry, or to make Your voice and Your will known to me.  I believe You can and You WILL! Help my unbelief.

My Scripture reading was Mark 9:14-50 The disciples could not cast out a demon from a boy, so they bring the boy to Jesus. Jesus replies in verse 19, “O unbelieving generation, how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you?   

And I feel like He’s talking to me! “O, unbelieving daughter, Don’t you trust me?  How long will I have to put up with you not trusting Me?  After ALL you’ve seen Me do!”

The son’s father says, “But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us.” Jesus responds, “IF You can?!?!?” Everything is possible for him who believes.”

I ask Jesus, “If You can, would You please help me to hear Your voice and know Your will? And I hear Jesus say, “IF I can make You hear My voice?!?!?  Don’t you see that you already hear my voice! You just said ‘and I HEAR Jesus say!’”

I open my First 5 app and it says: "We have a Savior who knows us and loves us.  He can handle our DOUBTS!"

The very thing I’m struggling with today, He addresses in my Bible study! He answers my doubt! My hearing is NOT dependent on me!  It is completely dependent on YOU! On Your power, Your mercy, Your grace, Your love!

Today I read page 48 of Jesus Calling: 50 Devotion’s for Comfort.  It says, “I AM taking CARE of you! (emphasis mine) I am not only committed to CARING for you, but I am absolutely capable of doing so.  Rest in Me, My weary one for this is a form of worship.  Worship Me by resting peacefully in My presence.”

Yes, Father, I hear You!  You care for me.  You WILL lead and direct me.  You WILL make sure I hear You.

On January, 2, I will have some tests performed including genetic testing.  I will see the doctor on January, 9 and we will decide what to do next.  Please continue to pray for wisdom for the doctor, Pat and me.  I KNOW that if I am asking for wisdom and you are asking for it on my behalf, that He WILL give us the wisdom we need to make the decisions.  We are looking at possibly removing the remainder of the lymph nodes under my left arm OR radiation and chemo OR possibly all 3. Pray that faith (not fear or doubt) would rule in my life. Pray that God will use this to advance His Kingdom and to show His power and His glory.

Perfectly Clear

Perfectly Clear

From my journal on December 12, 2017:

“Today I get results from the pathology lab of the tissues removed in surgery.  On September 12, exactly 3 months ago, we began this whirlwind story.  You have been with me, given unexplainable peace and performed little miracles (little miracles…is that an oxymoron?) all along the way. Whatever I hear today, Your presence, power and peace will be sufficient to handle.  Give me faith over fear.”

“Thank You for how You have aligned circumstances and devotions to speak to me through this time.  I know I can count on You to keep delivering.  Keep me tethered close to You.  A clean bill of health is not my shelter. You and You alone are my shelter and safe place.”

A friend’s son was having an appointment with a brain tumor clinic that day and she was asking for prayer.   I texted, “I will be praying for you as you receive the results of the testing.  God is good and will use whatever He allows into your life for good.  So, no matter what you hear today…good will be the end result. ‘Cast all your cares on Him, because He cares for you.’  His grace is sufficient.”

I picked up a book given to me by a friend.  Inside was an index card of verses she had prayed over me.  The second verse she had written was 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all you anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”  The chapter I read that morning was entitled “Present” with the verse Isaiah 41:10, “Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  The first verse my friend had written on that index card.

Then in a devotional given to me by another friend, the devotion for December 12, 2017 said, “I am taking care of you.  Feel…the security of being enveloped in My loving presence.” I had just prayed that His presence would be sufficient for me and that He and He alone was my safe place, the chapter in the book I had just read was entitled. ‘Present’ and now I am being reminded again! “Every detail of your life is under My control.  Moreover, everything fits into a pattern of good for those who love Me and are called according to My design and purpose.” This is one of my favorite verses and one I use frequently to bring comfort to myself and others although I always like to add part of the next verse.  The next verse spells out what that purpose is...to be conformed to the image of Jesus.  “If you could only see how close I am to you and how constantly I work on your behalf, you would never doubt that I am wonderfully caring for you.” And one of the verses listed at the bottom of that devotion was 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”

Ok, Father, You have my attention.  This is the 3^rd time this verse has been brought to my attention today.  The first time You gave it to me for the text to my friend.  Now I see it 2 more times.  What does this mean?

And then I continued with my Scripture reading in Mark 9:1-13. I usually read Scripture first and then read the other devotionals.  Not sure why I changed up the order on that day.  This is the story of the transfiguration of Jesus. After this amazing thing happened, Jesus instructs the disciples He brought with Him not to tell anyone what they had seen until after He had risen from the dead.  The disciples didn’t understand what Jesus meant by “rising from the dead.”  I wrote, “They don’t understand why Jesus MUST suffer much and be rejected.  They can’t see God’s amazing plan of redemption and power and glory!”

It is the same with me…I don’t understand “why?” But I don’t have to.  I just have to believe that God has an amazing plan of redemption, power and glory for suffering.  He will reveal it all at the proper time.

I open my First 5 app.  It says, “Father, I believe You have an amazing plan for my life --- suffering included.”  “Like Peter, we aspire to pitch our tent where life is glorious.  We try to sidestep the suffering and quickly settle in the places where life is pain-free and perfect.  We want to cling to what is good, but we would ultimately miss God’s best.  We…long for perfection and completion.  We want the perfect moments of the mountaintop experiences, but we don’t want to persevere through the pain.  We can’t get to the glory without enduring the cross.” 

Then the prayer, that I agreed with, “I bow my knee to Jesus today, trusting Him with both the moments of perfection and the times of pain.  Help me to live to the glory of His Name!”

In the More Moments section, 1 Peter 5:6 was listed.  “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. And since you have to read the next verse… “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”  4^th time today!  Ok, Father, You CARE for me!

And though God had made it perfectly clear that He cares for me and that He is with me, I still wasn’t prepared for what I would hear from the doctor that day.

Clear margins and lymph nodes on the right.  Clear margins on the left but one of the three lymph nodes removed from the left side had cancer.